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Submitted on
May 29, 2011
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Title: Food and Sleep
Author: Dragonwyrd316
Game: Mass Effect 2
Characters/Pairing: F!Shepard/Joker
Disclaimer: This is just for fun - BioWare owns all and I receive nothing but my own enjoyment by writing this.


Joker stretched out in his chair, his hands for once not flying over the controls.  The Normandy was currently docked at the Citadel allowing the crew a short shore leave.  Kara had also promised Gardner she would look into picking up more provisions for the crew.  The last trip had increased his popularity with the others once he started working with high quality foods instead of military rations, so both he and Shepard wanted to make sure that it continued.

"Gods, fighting through the crowds in the Wards can be such a pain in the ass," Kara griped as she slid an arm around Joker's shoulders.

"Why do you think I said I was staying put?" he grinned at her.

"Got you something, by the way.  I think you'll like it," she said, dropping a sack onto his lap.  He looked at her, brow raised, as the warmth from the paper bag soaked into his legs.  Opening it up, he pulled out a paper wrapped circular object.  As he removed the paper, he unearthed the burger within.

"It's not vat grown either.  You have no idea the strings I had to pull for that either.  If I have a kid at any stage of my life, I'm now to name my firstborn after Anderson," she laughed.

He stared at her then took a bite, a moan escaping his lips as he slowly chewed then swallowed the juicy meat patty.

"With horseradish.  You remembered!  There is a heaven and you do really love me," he smiled up at her.

"There's more where that came from.  With Anderson's help, there's a shipment of beef coming into the Citadel within the next few days with our name on it.  Gardner has already been told that it is to be held aside only for us and there's a special place in the freezer unit earmarked just for your hamburger."

"It's official.  You're perfect for me.  I love you," he spoke with his mouth yet again wrapped around the burger.  She kissed his cheek then leaned back against the console, her eyes lit up as she watched him enjoy her gift.

"Want a bite?" he asked as soon as his mouth was empty.

"You really must love me to offer up such a prize as that, even if it is only a bite," she laughed.  Leaning forward, she took a small bite as he offered the burger to her.  Her eyes almost rolled back into her head at the taste of real beef.

"Gods that's incredible.  I never thought of adding horseradish to it but that just adds the perfect zing to it."

"You could've taken a bigger bite."

"Nope.  It's all yours, Joker.  Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go lie down for a bit.  Breaking the fingers of no fewer than six pickpockets attempting to lighten my purse exhausted me," she grinned, her eyes sparkling.

"That's my girl!  I'm sure they learned their lesson, having the great Shepard smack them down," Joker chuckled.  Shaking her head she leaned forward and slid her hand over his cheek, bringing him close for a kiss.  Nibbling on his lower lip a moment, she pulled back, her eyes slightly glassy.  Catching the look in her eyes, he leaned forward and grabbed a fistful of her hair, bringing her back down to fasten his lips on hers.

"Fraternizing while on duty is frowned on, Mr. Moreau," EDI's voice chimed, breaking the two apart.

"Can it, EDI," Kara growled.

"There are certain protocols that should be maintained even if this is not a military vessel," the AI continued.

"Screw the protocols," Joker snapped.  "Besides, it's not like we're actually on duty.  The Normandy is docked and the majority of her crew is land side."

"I think I'm going to head up now before we either embarrass the electronic spy more, or I'm tempted to hack into her program and shut her up permanently," Kara sighed, then affectionately tugged on the brim of his cap.

"I'll be up in a few.  I want to enjoy the rest of this amazing piece of meat before I go anywhere."

"Take your time and don't enjoy it too much.  I don't want to have to fight burgers for your attention," she shot back at him as she made her way down the catwalk toward the CIC and the elevator.

"Gods I love that woman," he murmured before devouring the rest of the burger.


He couldn't figure out what exactly was causing the noise.  It wasn't loud, just strange.  He didn't hear it in the cockpit or CIC, and the elevator ride was quiet as usual.  He hoped something wasn't deteriorating in this part of the ship.  Balancing a couple of tubes of beer, he entered his code into the control panel and let himself into the cabin he and Kara shared.  His eyes widened and his lips quirked as the source of the strange sound made itself clear.

Kara was spread eagle on her stomach, half off the bed, dressed only in a pair of neon blue boyshort panties and a black camisole tank top.  While she looked the picture of exhausted beauty, the sound coming out of her partially open mouth was anything but.  He set the tubes of beer down on the table, then leaned up against the desk near the bed to watch her, unable to quiet the soft chuckle that escaped his lips.

"She must truly be exhausted.  Her snores rival the engines of an old frigate in decibels," he murmured to himself, still unable to stop grinning.  Walking over to the bed, he gently shook her, trying to get her to move and at least momentarily stop the racket.

"Go get 'em, Grunt!  Kill the bastards!" Kara ordered, her hand shooting out as she pointed in whatever direction the dream hostiles were located, almost emasculating Joker in the process.  Shaking his head and grinning even wider, he stripped down as he walked around the bed, away from her hand, and crawled in beside her.  As if recognizing him nearby, she rolled over and curled up beside his propped up body, snuggling up tight against his warm skin.  The loud rumbling snores stopped.

"G'night," she mumbled.

"Sweet dreams," he whispered, running his fingers through her hair as he leaned back against the cushioned headboard and let himself drift off right beside her.
Ok, I'm still laughing even after writing this. I was inspired by the sounds coming from a patient I was watching this past evening. The snoring was impressive.

Hope this gave you as much of a laugh as it did me!

Kara is mine, Joker and the others are (c) BioWare

EDIT: I forgot to add that I never would have thought of writing this little one-shot if I hadn't been texting :iconmaterfae: at the time and giggling over the noises my patient was making. She suggested I write a short with Joker and Kara and snoring and we narrowed it down to having the female be the cause of the godawful noise being the funnier situation of the two. Thanks again hon!
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Rayne430 Mar 13, 2013  Student General Artist
lol this is too cute love it!!
Lovely, very lovely piece of story... You just made my evening more bright ... and I still cannot get the phrase "Go get 'em, Grunt! Kill the bastards!" out of my mind. Only thinking to that I start laughing so hard that tears are poring down on my face. Congratulation, you left me speechless.
Dragonwyrd316 Mar 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you enjoyed! :)
AmandaSylvia Jul 6, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Okay, if I wasn't in love with Joker already, I certainly am now!! I love your Joker :la:
Dragonwyrd316 Jul 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Awwww thank you! Glad you love my Joker :hug:
AmandaSylvia Jul 6, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
He's frickin awesome!! :la:
Dragonwyrd316 Jul 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah he is. Thanks to a friend, I've got some ideas in my head of a couple of pictures and one of them would be after the game of ME3 is finished (after the Reapers are destroyed) and the game isn't even out yet... but it would be one of those D'AWWWW OMGSOFREAKINGCUTE! pics... and then there's another one that would just be AWWWW so sweet!
AmandaSylvia Jul 6, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
And what if the Reapers AREN'T destroyed?! :noes:
Dragonwyrd316 Jul 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
They will be in my story at least lol
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